Bitter Melon

So, I was flipping around the TV the other day, and caught one of my favorite shows, Andrew Zimmern's Bizarre Foods. To my delight, he was featuring Japan in this episode, and was traveling all around the country, sampling all sorts of exotic edibles. He eventually ended up in the southernmost Japanese island of Okinawa, whose inhabitants are known for their healthy lifestyles and long lifespans. In fact, Okinawa has twice as many centenarians per capita as the United States, and many of the people attribute their good health to the "bitter melon" or goya chanpuru. I was really eager to try it, and immediately searched on youtube to find a decent recipe. Anyway, this is what I came up with. Hysterical.



Well, the talking dog really moved me, and even though it was raining torrentially outside, I rushed to the local Asian market and picked up all of the ingredients - bonito flakes, miso, the melon, tofu, etc. I also had an awkward exchange with the butcher while trying to buy some pork shoulder. The recipe calls for 3.5 ounces of pork, but for whatever reason, I was only able to buy the whole shoulder - the butcher wouldn't cut it up for me. He actually laid a few of the shoulders on the counter and let me pick one. I felt like a dick telling him to fuck off and put them back in the display, so I reluctantly picked out what appeared to be the least massive of the lot. It weighed in at just under 6 pounds. Great. Who cares, though - I was just minutes away from everlasting life! I lugged all my crap back to my car in the rain and trucked home, eager to try out my new exotic dish.

When I got home, I lined up all of the ingredients:

Miso? Check.

Bonito Flakes? Check.

Soy Sauce? Check.

Bitter Melon? Check.

Enough pork to feed a fucking village? Check.

Eggs? .........

EGGS????

For whatever reason, I assumed I lived in an average American household that considered eggs to be a staple and had some around at all times. I was wrong. Sigh. I thought about going back out, but the End of Days weather and my grumbling stomach dissuaded me, and I looked up another recipe. I ended up settling on a stir fry consisting of the melon, dried anchovies, and minced garlic. Although my house now smells like a garlic fried fishfuck nightmare, my hunger was satiated, and I added years to my life. Of course, I now have a mountain of pork in my fridge that I have to find some use for.

One Douchebag? Check.